Learning to Let God In

I've mostly always had a belief in God, like most kids growing up I imagine have gone through what I did, denying his existence, all the normal things you hear people so, how could a loving God allow this, or allow that... One of the ones I've struggled with my entire life is my Brother Michael, he is a non functioning autistic. What that means is he cannot do anything for himself that a 'normal' person can, this includes feeding himself, using the bathroom, etc... those two alone should give you a pretty good idea of how severe his handicap is.

That being said I'm sure most people can understand how I might resent God, or rather resented God as I learn to let go of control and give him control over my life. Part of letting go is getting rid of this anger I harbor.

So today, like many times before, I am going to attempt to let God into my life and give him the steering wheel. I believe he can probably steer me better then I could ever attempt to.

I have a meeting with an HR rep today in regards to a new position, I'm honestly not even sure if I want the job, so that being said also... God I leave that decision in your hands, should I receive an offer for this job grant me the strength and direction and help me make the choice that best suits YOUR needs.

Thank you for being in my life.

Dan

On the wagon

Finishing up my 6th day on the wagaon.

right now life FUCKING SUCKS ass.

got into probably the most vocal argumentative phone call every with my wife. which didn't lead to any good at all. I called with good intent and she rightfully is full of resentment torwards me so it's obvious I cannot have a conversation with her without her feeling sick to her stomach that she married such an asshole and has spent so much of her life with him.

So i'm 6 days from sipping the bottle, throwing back a few beers, whatever the case may be, more importantly i'm 6 days closer to insanity.

I have jobs to do now, outside of my regular paid work and apartment life.

make phone calls read literature, this shit is real and the people are awesome but I'm scared and lonely.


God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as though wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I ma better do they will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of They Power, They Love, and They Way of life. May I do Thy will Always!

awakening

not as tired today
worked out this morning and had a good healthy breakfast.

Next, finish working on this program that is giving me fits, nobody that has worked on either of these programs is with our company and it's proving more difficult then I originally imagined.

tired, defeated, deflated

notice there are no capitol letters in the title of this post.

it's cause I'm just too damn lazy to hit two keys at the same time right now.

i am tired.
i am defeated.
i am deflated.
i am dan

No TV

So i've been without TV for a little less then a week...

guess what, I love it! I'm sure the tickect 1310 AM ratings love a new evening listener too.

Glasses

I was told four years ago that I could use some glasses and I could possibly fail a driving eye exam test. so about three years ago I went to an eye Doctor and actually got a prescription and a set of glasses thinking I was just being frivolous buying something that I "didn't need"

well It's been several years and I have gone no where while awake without them and last night a lens popped out so I need to have them repaired. I'm going insane without my glasses now... I feel like I've had a drink our two cause I'm struggling to read my screen :(

so, so frustrating!

Leg workout

Yesterday I had the oppurtunity to do my first leg workout in ages with my son... he said he hasn't worked out in a while either so we took it "easy".

we started with a warmup set of squats then did 3 working sets.
3 sets of good mornings (hamstrings)
walking lunges with 35lb dumbells the length of the gym
3 sets leg curls
2 sets of leg extensions

fairly light workout for our first one in a LOOONG time...

my legs this morning have two words for me... (Fuck You!)... they are sore as shit, good thing Sunday is off day...

On a different topic I'll be dropping the kids off at the youth church service at 5 tonight, Daniels pretty excited to go though Cora doesn't seem to interested yet. She's only been to the sunday evening one once before if i'm correct and i'm sure she'll begin enjoying it more as she makes more friends there.

I wish I could have done more with them while they were here but the pool was too cold to swim in, (even though both of them did jump in) haha... suckers! next time i'm hoping we can grill out and enjoy the pool some. maybe even catch a movie or something. I do know that they enjoyed walking over to yum-alicious so we'll probably do that again...

untill next time...